Goodbye With Hard-Fi

See you in London! Thanks for reading...

British bands have been lining up on American soil ever since those Beatles made your parents go weak at the knees on the Ed Sullivan show. The latest import to chance their arm, take their shot and deal with millions of screaming teenagers exclaiming, “just how do you fuse reggae with rock and yet still sound strangely accessible?!?” is Hard-Fi. In the midst of their latest assault on America, we spoke with guitarist Ross Phillips in Florida who, rather disappointingly, wasn’t accosted by a teen during the conversation. At least this allowed him to reflect in peace on what the secret to success on these shores might be…

“It’s about putting in the hours”, he explains. “It’s such a big place so you have to tour it and have to keep at it. You can’t pop over for a couple of weeks every six months but you’ve got to spend a lot of time here and reach out all the time and do promo and set out to break it. But you’ve got to have the tunes.”

And Hard-Fi most certainly does have the tunes. The band is the baby of singer/songwriter Richard Archer, who has flirted with breaking into the big time before, most notably with Contempo. “It was the wrong time for a guitar band so that went belly up” is the quintessentially English way Ross sums up his bandmate’s previous foray into the music industry. But the story of Hard-Fi’s album isn’t your traditional, ‘oh yeah, we had weeks in a swanky studio and decided to let the polished producer put his imprint over the finished product’ either. Instead, out of the adversity of living in an unfashionable part of London comes a tale of ingenuity and initiative. The band are based in Staines, a town probably best known as being on the flight path into Heathrow – aeroplanes literally roar their distain towards you – and for being the “home” to Ali G. It’s hardly surprising then that the locals haven’t been inspired to make magnificent music.

“In Staines, there’s no music scene to speak of”, bemoans Ross. “There’s one record shop and that mainly sells DVD’s. There’s no rehearsal rooms or venues. There’s nothing, really. The first bookshop only opened a couple of years ago! We were left to do our own thing and listen to what music we liked and not what was f***ing cool. Because there’s no rehearsal rooms we drove 40 minutes into town and spent petrol money, which was 50 quid for 6 hours and then you had to get back so we rented out what used to be to a taxi office and got in there every night and that’s how we recorded the album.”

Incredibly, if you think using a taxi office is unorthodox, that’s merely the tip of this particular iceberg. Hard-Fi could also be found mixing what would become ‘Stars Of CCTV’ in bedrooms, pubs, and even their producer's car. Did this have the desired effect? “Yeah, totally! Just by using what we had, we got it done. We had no money, we signed to this tiny label of Warren Clarke’s and he believed in us and helped us along. It made us more creative by having limited amounts of shit microphones. We got a massive reverb sound on the drums just by keeping the door open!

Talk about rags to riches. And from keeping the door open to now having a hit record that opens doors. A year ago, at Austin's South by Southwest Music Conference, the quartet was largely unknown even in the United Kingdom. 600,000 sales later it’s a different story. And ‘Stars of CCTV’ provides instant satisfaction upon your ears meeting and greeting the band’s mélange of genres. It’s a terrific piece of work and has been recognized as such with a respected Mercury Music Prize nomination and similar love from The Brits. None of this can have hurt the band’s profile - despite Phillips’s laissez-faire attitude towards being in the hunt for Brit awards. “We’re not bothered at all. We had a laugh, had a drink…”

And shared something with Gillian Anderson?

“Yeah, I had this massive cigar, passed it on and turned around and Gillian Anderson had a puff on it!”

But it’s not all about smoking with Agent Scully. Hard-Fi are unabashedly unafraid to criss-cross musical eras and styles. The obvious reference point has been The Clash (any article on Hard-Fi must mention them to make the writer appear knowledgeable and receive a complimentary Clash back catalogue. Probably.) “We love The Clash! We’re not ashamed to say that”, he admits. But we love so much other stuff like hip-hop, reggae, dub and rock. We draw a lot from AC/DC, Massive Attack and Gorillaz are a good example of a great band that take different sounds and combine them. We’re not afraid to use any of those influences”.

Back in Britain, these influences resulted in an old fashioned rise to the top. Indeed, the album, originally released last summer in the UK, re-entered the charts at the beginning of 2006 and reached the pinnacle of No. 1 a few weeks later. Ross, you sense, couldn’t be happier about the softly-softly approach. “People have slowly found out about us and that’s a natural progression rather than going straight in at number one. I prefer it to be like that rather than it all being based on hype.”

Hype? You couldn’t possibly be referring to your polar opposites, the Arctic Monkeys, could you?

“Ha ha! Good luck to them, I’m happy for them but it’s mad how they’re everywhere. I’ve never seen anything like it, literally every magazine, every paper you look at, there they are. I heard they wouldn’t do any press either. Have they a future? I hope so. To be honest, I haven’t even heard the album. I like the singles but apparently the album is very good and so is their live show and it’s not all hype. People haven’t said ‘it wasn’t as good as I thought’ but rather it was f***ing brilliant”.

We’ll put the fictional Hard-Fi vs. Arctic Monkeys showdown on the back burner for now - though we’re selling tickets and TV rights if they ever do go 12 rounds in the ring. Instead, Ross prefers to concentrate on the latest landmark event in Hard-Fi’s world. Specifically, the five sell out shows in May at one of London’s biggest and most hallowed venues, Brixton Academy. The band is in incredible company as only Bob Dylan, Massive Attack, The Prodigy and, er, The Clash have achieved this 5 for 5 accolade. London is clearly calling…

“To do one show would be f***ing great! I remember about a year ago, we did an XFM Winter Wonderland concert and there were 4 bands playing and we tried to imagine that being for us and now we’re doing 5 nights in a row. The bands that have done it are in a different league to us and have produced great albums but hopefully we’ll get there soon.”

And they’ll surely be getting there in a limo, not a taxi.

www.glide.com

If You Only See One Russian Film This Year...

...then it might as well be Nochnoi Dozor (sorry, that was wilfully obtuse. But how often does one get to write a sentence like that?). It translates - obviously - as Night Watch and it's effortlessly the coolest movie I've seen in years. In short, it's a good old fashioned battle between light and dark which brings to mind - best to take a deep breath here - Lord Of The Rings, Star Wars, The Matrix, The Sixth Sense, Ghostbusters, The Terminator, Dracula and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (which is shown during the movie much to the delight of the characters).

The film is proof that the Cold War is dead and buried (which, itself, is rather ironic seeing as an ongoing battle is at the heart of this picture) as Russia's film industry commissioned Night Watch as the first part of a trilogy to be made specifically under Hollywood guidelines. And so the soundtrack is pumping, the camera throws itself all around the screen and there's an edit every other second (or so it seems). There's not much more I can say. Even the world's greatest film critic, The New Yorker's Anthony Lane, gave up and concluded that, "any attempt to summarize the plot is liable to result in complete mental collapse". You're just going to have to trust me, OK? The Russian public clearly believed in the film as it quickly became the highest grossing film in the country's history...until the sequel Day Watch broke that record. This film also contains the most creative use of subtitles in the history of cinema as they variously fade, shudder, bleed and burst their way off the screen and into your hearts (alright, that's poetic license). You'll wonder why no foreign film has ever attempted this tactic before but, then again, when you're dealing with Night Watch, you better pray your cinema serves a vodka chaser along with your popcorn.

March Madness

Various thoughts on stuff from the past week...

1) We went to a screening of the new Spike Lee movie, 'Inside Man'. When we saw the trailer for this, the predominantly African-American crowd gasped when they saw it was one of his 'joints' in the same manner as the Jewish middle classes did when, some months previously, a trail for Woody Allen's 'Match Point' came on. And, in all honestly, neither flick lived up to the audience's excitement. We had to sign a waiver saying we wouldn't discuss the movie with anyone (the things I do for you) and I briefly considered asking the guy from the film company if I would be permitted to think about the film in my head after watching it but decided against it as he had no sense of humour whatsoever (not necessarily a bad attribute when listening to me). I've never been a huge fan of Spike's work though certainly admire his talent of being present at any New York sporting event for free. His latest film is set on Wall Street and I inadvertently was an extra when this was shooting last year. Sadly, I don't think I made the final cut in the edit (story of my life). The story of the film focuses on Clive Owen taking down Christopher Plummer's bank. Denzel Washington - he with the best voice in movies - and Chiwetel Ejiofor - he with the best name - try and solve the attempted crime as a grizzled Willem Defoe looks on while Jodie Foster acts like Jodie Foster: annoying and opinionated. Clearly I can't say much more - I'll be hunted down and forced to listen to James Blunt's album - but it's confused and its major problem is that you don't root for any of the characters but rather root for your watch to speed up and the end credits to roll. Great cast. Grating film. It also contains the strangest soundtrack to a movie I've possibly ever heard: perhaps the Dragnet theme was intentional but it wouldn't surprise me if the finished version is different to the print I watched. Do yourself a favour and don't find out.

2) Thankfully, 24 hours later, the new season of The Sopranos returned to HBO. The last episode was in June 2004 which was so long ago, you could have gotten married in the interim (oh...). Season Six is technically the beginning of the end (12 episodes now and the last 8 to follow at the start of 2007) and it started with one of their sensational montages where you see how time has elapsed (in Sopranos world, the calender moves on as in real life) with your favourite players. As ever, the dialogue was whip-smart, two people have already died (one in comical fashion, the other far more tragically) and the cliff hanger also makes you want your watch to speed up but for entirely different reasons to the above posting. Is it the greatest TV show of all time? Quite possibly. It's certainly the best programme of my lifetime and if the rumours of a spin-off film are true then everyone might as well give up and go home. Or at least wait in line for opening day.

3) The first World Baseball Classic is taking place over on the West Coast, in addition to Japan and Puerto Rico. We've reached the semi-finals stage and, rather amusingly, the USA haven't made it. Even funnier, Cuba has done and if they win it, I'd like Bush to award the trophy to Castro. The WBC has come in for plenty of criticism (don't play it in March, don't play the Yankees stars...and that's from the guy who owns the team!) but it seems clear to me that it's here to stay and will be a pretty big deal in two cycles time. USA were fairly woeful throughout (save for a 17-0 spanking of South Africa which ended early due to the mercy rule) but I don't believe they were favourites to win this just because they invented the game. I mean, do we English cricket and football fans expect to win every World Cup we enter?

4) College basketball has its two weeks in the sun at this time of year with the aptly named March Madness. 64 games get played for the NCAA Championship and we'll be down to 16 by tomorrow night. CBS is offering every game live online to satisfy people at work. The genius inclusion is the 'Boss Button' which brings up a spreadsheet if you believe your passion for the sport could get you fired. Check it out below - but make sure your employer isn't around...



Crucially, what elevates March Madness from merely being kids playing basketball are the millions of people around the country who participate in office pools and play the brackets to win money and honour amongst their peers. It's quite a sight as die hard fans and ignorant punters make their predictions and hope to retain some interest by the time the Final Four rolls around. We didn't go with perceived wisdom (favourites always seem to fare badly) and plump for the likes of Duke, UConn, Memphis or Villanova but rather plucky Boston College to become National Champion. They needed 2 overtimes to overcome unknown Pacific College in the First Round so I fully expect blood, sweat and tears as we approach the National Championship game on April 3rd. And, yes, before you ask, that's just in our living room.

Levy Live (aka Not Us)

Levy
Mercury Lounge, NY NY - 03/10/2006
Glen Levy
Monday, March 13, 2006

Politicians (“I did not have sexual relations with that woman”) and Wall Street traders (“Insider what?!?”) may have to declare an interest as part and parcel of their daily dealings but us simple souls who listen to music? Surely, just declaring an interest in music itself would be enough but one feels sufficiently compelled to confirm that the band name at the top of this page bears – literally – no relation to the person spouting off about them. We cool? Let’s get down to business then.

And Levy’s business is all about getting down. 'This is a new song' are lead singer James Levy’s first words as the opening strains of "So Hard" reverberate around the room. It’s striking stuff as existing fans of the band and curious listeners come together in a mutual love fest, with mouths slightly ajar, seemingly screaming the words ‘THIS IS THE GREATEST START TO A SHOW EVER!’ to anyone who happens to be within five blocks of the venue. Naturally, that’s slight exaggeration but when you’re lost in (Levy’s) music, you can’t be held accountable for your (re) actions.

The convenient comparison is to fall in line and describe Levy as a cross between The Smiths and Coldplay, but the reality is more like a coherent version of The Libertines. And partially hidden underneath his top hat, James kinda resembles Pete Doherty with a coy nod here and a wink there but you don’t feel an arrest is imminent. Instead, only the material could be considered arresting. "Rivka" pays homage to The Kinks’ "Waterloo Sunset" before dissolving into a fuzzy warmth of its own. "Matthew," which is introduced – presumably for the benefit of any dyslexics in the room - as 'a song with two t’s,' is a further example of the band’s take on life when you hear what could almost make for a template lyric in the form of 'I’m sorry I caused you so much pain.' There’s melancholy in them thar hills, that’s for sure, as perfectly proven by signature hits "On The Dance Floor" and "Rotten Love." Levy might be lying by introducing the album’s title track as 'the number one single of last year,' but that doesn’t diminish its world-weary lament one iota. Nor the fact that in an ideal world he’d be right. And by the time the aptly named "Glorious" has been and gone – and the short and sweet set along with it – you’re left to stagger into the night to reflect that this band certainly know how to love you and Levy you.

http://www.glidemagazine.com/1/reviews1209.html

Vanity Fair(ground) Attractions

Shamelessly lifted from Gawker (who admitted it's doing the rounds on this here interweb) is a Vanity Fair server's account of what went down at their annual post Oscar party. Excuse the spellings and I couldn't possibly verify if any of this is true but it makes for enjoyable reading...in that sickly 'I can't believe I'm looking at this' way.

OK here it is people - the email that you all have been waiting so patiently for - and some, not so patiently (you know who you are!!) This is the recap of my Night with the Stars - Hollywood’s most prestigious party - The Vanity Fair Post-Oscar Party - the night that I get to put on my best dress, drink champagne, and rub elbows with celebrities - actually it was more like a sailor uniform that I had to wear and I pretty much was bumping into the elbows of celebrities while I was trying to “serve” them champagne… But on with it…

Jennifer Aniston was one of the first to arrive, sans Vince Vaughn - I think she’s just as beautiful off screen as she is on. Her short little gay friend made me offer her a tuna tartar because he said she was “stah-ving” but she refused. Looking back at her 2 minutes later, I see her wolfing down 2 slices of pizza… Go figure…

Dolly Parton strutted in solo with a big smile on her face winking at passersby - she must not have been paying too much attention to her surroundings because she walked directly into the kitchen where security had to stop her and show her the way to the party

Someone decided to smoke pot in the main area of the party - we determined that it was probably Mick Jagger and his rock-star crew but it turned out to be some 80-year-old lady!

Reese Witherspoon is so damn cute - I actually caught her sticking her tongue out at her husband - another cutie, Ryan Philippe, who returned the gesture

I was involved in about a 5 minute debate with Scott Cann about whether the brownies that I was serving were “special” or not

Sienna Miller - miss MOD herself - came up to me while I was carrying my mini burgers and asked me with a serious but polite British tone if the burgers were from “McDaw-noods”

Larry King, Barbara Walters, Joan Collins and John Mellencamp - not aging very well

Michelle Williams, of Brokeback Mountain fame, brought to the party not only her hubby Heath Ledger (gorgeous!) but another fellow Dawson’s Creek actress - the girl that played Audrey (Joie’s roommate in college) - who looked completely uncomfortable and out of place - After all, does anyone even know that girl’s real name?

We caught John Stewart leaving out the back entrance with 3 girls that looked maybe 17.

Terry Hatcher and an unidentified graying man were involved in an intense conversation in the corner of the party for most of the night.

Keith Urban - too many highlights - may need to “tone” it down some (HAHA) He and his girlfriend, fiancé, record sales booster, or whatever she may be, Nicole Kidman, were spotted dashing out the back entrance holding hands around 11:30pm, with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston using the same getaway scheme around midnight

Serena & Venus Williams - tall, not very attractive and kept pushing around their hair a lot

Much shorter than I expected - DJ AM

Much prettier than I expected - Uma Thurman

Much cuter than I expected - Guy Richie

Much tanner than I expected - George Hamilton

Much scarier than I expected - Tim Burton & Helena Bonham Carter

Much more booty than I expected - Madonna

The Director of “March of the Penguins” was carrying around a stuffed version of a penguin the whole night - I almost asked him if they wanted some tuna tartar but figured I might laugh

I got yelled at by Pam Morton, owner of the restaurant, for standing around too much and not approaching people

I got yelled at by some photographer for ‘stargazing’

I got yelled at by one of the managers for eating an In-and-Out Burger

Sandra Bullock, Jesse James and Keanu Reeves - together ALL night

Suzanne Somers looks like an old, botoxed version of Nicole Richie

Eve, Mary J Blige and Russell Simmons wife were all BFF

I overheard someone tell Vince Vaughn that his trailer was magnificent, “a work of art” - I wonder if they were talking about Anchorman, Dodgeball or Zoolander…

I envisioned shoving an entire pizza down the throat of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie - My god - I almost could see through them!

I have good news for you ladies - Yes, Jake Gillenhall came alone

I have some unsurprising news for you ladies, Yes, Al Roker came alone

Mickey Rourke was walking around completely wasted - at one point I think he was talking to himself

Hilary Swank looked incredible - she looked really young too

Ali G was there with his fiancé - the sister from ‘Wedding Crashers’ - someone had to tell me who he was - I didn’t recognize him out of character

Other couples sighted: Heidi Klum & Seal, Adam Brody & Rachel Bilson, Jewel & her husband, some guy in a cowboy hat, Selma Blair & Ahmet Zappa, Jennifer Lopez & Mark Anthony, Christine Taylor & Ben Stiller, Jessica Alba & Cash Warren

Madonna, looked a little bored throughout the night - kept looking around to see what else was going on - a lot shorter than I expected too

Russell Simmons and his wife were witnessed in an all-out screaming match with one another

John Travolta’s hair was absolutely horrendous - I seriously think it might have been painted on

DJ AM and Nicole Richie were holding hands - guess that’s back on

[xxx] & I became BFF with the NYPD Officers who flew out to work the party - we chatted it up with them about important law enforcement issues such as the accuracy of Sex and the City, celebrity relationships and then made them steal us 3 Double Doubles and 3 Diet Cokes from the In-and-Out Truck - - now, that’s what I call a hero

Other memorable celebs: Megan Mulally, Cuba Gooding Jr, John Voight, Donatella Versace, Adrien Brody, Willem DaFoe, Ludacris, Stephen Dorff, Samuel Jackson, Naomi Watts, Chris Tucker, Dave Chapelle, Matt Dillon, Jamie Foxx, Kate Bosworth, Jennifer Esposito, Mischa Barton, Helena Christiansen, James Franco, Josh Groban, Quentin Tarantino, George Lucas, Bill Mahr, Molly Sims, and Larry David

That’s all I can think of for now - This year was a bit different from previous years for 2 reasons - number 1, they actually cut the guest list by 500 people, so it was a lot more calm and relaxed, and number 2, I actually consumed much more alcohol at the party than I have in any of the previous years, so if my observations seem a bit dull, it is probably because from about 11:30pm - 1am, the night became a little blurry - but I hope you enjoyed the email and I look forward to sharing My Fifth Installment with you all next year.

Chappelle's Show-ing Off?

Dave Chappelle's Block Party
Directed By Michel Gondry

The first five minutes of Dave Chappelle’s Block Party could and should be viewed as misleading. Two elderly gentlemen are trying to start their car as an amused Chappelle looks on. We continue in this vein for some time – the movie as well as the car is clearly doing its best to get going – before Chappelle ambushes them with a crass punch line: he uses a megaphone because these senior citizens have trouble hearing. The prop is then employed to announce the cast list and as each name comes out of his megaphone, it floats up on screen like a balloon bought at a street fair. When you consider that the director is Michel Gondry, he of more camera tricks than possibly any auteur in cinematic history, you begin to worry that this is going to be no more than a side project in vanity for its stars in front of and behind the camera. Thankfully, these are the only false notes struck over the course of this fascinating film.

Chappelle and Gondry have combined to stunning effect, which goes to prove that not only were the French New Wave directors of the 1950s and 60s always in awe of American entertainers but that the torch has been passed down to its current maverick. Gondry doesn’t mess with our minds or the simple telling of this beautiful tale. The “plot,” if you can even call it that, centers on the huge hearted Chappelle giving something back to the Brooklyn neighborhood of Bedford-Stuyvesant and his current home town in Ohio. He put on a block party for his Brooklyn brethren back in September 2004 (crucially before he supposedly “went crazy” and escaped the pressures of a new season of his own show for a spiritual retreat in South Africa) by assembling the finest urban talents in the country. And this is some serious A list: Kanye West, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, The Roots, Mos Def, Common, Dead Prez and, among others, the small matter of the Fugees reforming especially for him.

Gondry’s cameras constantly cut between and capture Chappelle handing out golden tickets in Ohio, rehearsals with the performers and live concert footage from the day. The folks in Ohio are clearly tickled by having a superstar in their midst. To Chappelle’s credit, he doesn’t distinguish between the melting pot of people: his fellow African-Americans get tickets (two of these kids jump on their beds to express their delight, which is as enduring an image as you’ll see all year long) as do the white middle classes. “I don’t hear well enough to catch the words,” says one man as way of ‘thanks but no thanks’ but his is a rare rejection, as the rest of town seem delighted to be provided with transportation and accommodation in New York.


The majority of the movie takes place in Brooklyn and whilst everyone is involved for the right reasons, it’s evident that they’re only there because they believe in and trust Chappelle. Whether it’s his way on the day with the crowd (“Free Tibet?”, he screams as he mocks a young guy’s T-Shirt, “it’s probably a free T-Shirt!”) or constantly cracking the bands up backstage (“I predicted that the D.C sniper was black because he was taking weekends off!”), he’s the most enthusiastic front man of the decade to date as his infectious charm and smile works its magic on everyone he meets.

The obvious reference point is Mel Stuart’s 1973 documentary Wattstax which interspersed performers rapping about the black American experience with typically searing observations from Richard Pryor, who is clearly an inspiration to Chappelle. Wattstax might appear to be more concerned with race – it ends on a static shot of a black fist – but Block Party makes its points too. Dead Prez have their views aired and Fred Hampton Jr., son of the slain Black Panther activist, demands that his speech isn’t edited (it isn’t) yet the film walks a fine line by not overdosing too heavily in any one area. Gondry doesn’t forget his obligations as a filmmaker either: he pans from Jill Scott’s performance to a rueful looking Erykah Badu who is waiting in the wings. Indeed, when they eventually share the stage, neither of them looks at each other until the song is over. It’s thrilling stuff and works precisely because it isn’t in keeping with the harmony heard on stage and exhibited by everyone on the day.

You’d imagine that the eventual DVD release will be an essential purchase if the concert is included in its entirety for it’s unlikely that so many ego’s will be put to one side and put together for free again. The music is sensational as the stellar cast express themselves with a rarely seen innocence. Kanye West, for example, is particularly taken with Ohio’s Central State University performing his intro to ‘Jesus Walks.’ And when you see how much it means to the community, be it kids or their parents and teachers, you just can’t escape the inevitable conclusion – that we’re all witnessing the Eternal Sunshine of Chappelle’s Mind.

http://www.glidemagazine.com/3/reviews1200.html

The Dailies Show

78 years in the waiting and finally it's here: a live blog on tonight's Oscars. The tuxedo is on - the East Village locals haven't seen anything as shocking on a Sunday since that time cricket was played in Tompkins Square Park - and the snacks have been bought. Funnily enough, one of only two high profile Oscar parties here in NYC, is taking place at hip British restaurant The Spotted Pig. My predictions: 4 bouts of food poisoning, anger that the Shepherds Pie being served doesn't have anything to do with Brokeback Mountain, Liev Schreiber moaning that Everything Is Illuminated didn't get any Oscar love and Julia Stiles looking for me and the Mrs. Seriously, we see her everywhere. I turned down my invite to update this as and when the moment takes me...well, the invite didn't technically arrive but ever since we failed to tip our postman at Christmas, I still think he's hoarding all the good mail.

4.55 E's coverage has been sporadically on (jostling for space against Manchester City vs Sunderland - tell me any other blog able to claim that!) but they've just run a piece on - yes! - a pair of gay cowboys and their thoughts on Muni...er, Brokeback Mountain. I'm not sure if these cowboys are in a relationship or just happen to be gay cowboys looking for love. Amazingly, they liked the movie but admitted slight dismay at Ang Lee's mise en scene. Perhaps.

5.05 Just under 30 minutes to the official start of the Red Carpet coverage. I don't know how E manage to fill all the air time as they've been on since midday with a pre-Red Carpet show. A profile on handbag makers probably would have provided similar gravitas to a State Of The Union address but I was watched the Mets playing Puerto Rico down in Florida (they lost).

5.50 Ryan Seacrest is hosting the Red Carpet show. "Let's discuss designers". Click.

6.10 A bemused Naomi Watts is handed the King Kong DVD by Seacrest. "I've seen it", she reasonably retorts before extolling the virtues of the Hybrid Lexus. That's H-Y-B-R-I-D.

6.20 Early contender for comment of the night. An US Weekly reporter on how Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman get along with each other: "it's pretty cordial but it's not very friendly". Seacrest's expression was exactly like Tim from The Office when Brent or Gareth do something inane.

6.45 Early contender for moment of the night. Roger Ebert (whose Red Carpet show is now live on ABC) has just asked the producer of Crash a question. Only problem? The guy is the producer of Good Night And Good Luck. "You've just crashed" he helpfully tells Ebert before reiterating the title. Two thumbs most definitely down.

6.52 The gaffes continue. Steve Carrell mumbles his words before asking how many people this is going out to. "7 billion" is the outright lie. Yeah, let's see: 280 million people live in America and maybe 20 million are watching this. Unless you know differently and suddenly ABC is part of each country's terrestrial output.

7.00 No Oscar night is complete without Joan and Melissa Rivers right? Maybe. They're supposedly on Channel 51, the renowned TV Guide station. Sadly for mother/daughter combo, that channel is blacked out at the moment. Cry Me A Rivers, anyone?

7.44 It's been said that David Strathairn hasn't received enough credit or attention for his Best Actor nomination in Good Night And Good Luck. ABC's Billy Bush has just interviewed him and the ENTIRE Q & A was about the kind of cigarettes he smoked on set. Herbal and he doesn't light up anymore if you're interested.

8.15 The show gets underway with a nifty sequence showing previous hosts - and Mel Gibson speaking in Maya - all turning down the gig. Jon Stewart takes it on and proceeds to give a monologue which is far too much on the safe side. For every gag - Bjork couldn't be here as when she was trying on her dress, Dick Cheney shot her - there's an admission that he ain't Hollywood: Steven Spielberg has been nominated, I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you. But props for saying as a Jew, he can't wait to see what happens next to us after watching Spielberg's Schindler's List and now Munich. But the montage of old cowboys films was far too obvious and is being done better on the internet as a previous post of mine makes clear.

8.20 George Clooney - as predicted by yours truly - wins Best Supporting Actor for the woeful Syriana. His prepared speech ("I won't be winning Best Director then") smacks of smugness but then he credits Hollywood for taking an early stand against racism. Really? Is this fact?

8.32 The first of maybe two British wins as Nick Park takes home his fourth Oscar for Wallace & Gromit. Both he and his colleague are wearing Paul Smith bow tie's and pop a couple more on Oscar. Considering that Paul Smith has just opened his first store in LA, some serious thanks are in order. Upon winning, Park kissed Helena Bonham Carter and patted her husband briefly on the back. Her husband? Rival director Tim Burton who lost out in this category. Nice work Nick.

8.44 An Irishman wins! No one has ever heard of him! By the way, the music they're playing underneath the winners is sooo sickly it makes you want to throw up. It's similar to a "dramatic" denouement in a soap opera when one character says "it's not you, it's me" to another. But worse. And being heard by - ahem - 7 billion people.

9.00 A fairly funny skit from Steve Carrell and Will Ferrell wearing too much make up before they get into the award. But it says something about the first hour of this show that the best unscripted gag comes from the unknown winner whose first words are something like "I'm glad Clooney doesn't do make up". Jon Stewart gets a titter when exclaiming surprise that Cinderella Man didn't win. "Can you imagine how difficult it is to make Russell Crowe look like he just got into a fight?" Nicole Kidman doesn't look amused making her the Queen Victoria (State?) of the Oscars.

9.05 Not sure why Morgan Freeman laughs before announcing that Rachel Weisz has won Best Supporting Actress. What does he know? And more to the point, who really is the father of her soon to be born child? She sounds so Hampstead up on that stage and does come over as humbled. Going into the break and the camera shows Clooney cracking up. He is also in the (made up by me) Weisz pregnancy scandal? Oh, and my apologies as Britain has won 3 Oscars as Six Shooter (yeah, me neither) notched for Best Live Action Short. It's clearly our night now.

9.15 The first of hopefully a few Daily Show moments as they mock up how all the Best Actress nominees have been campaigning. The funniest was Charlize Theron "hagging it up" and the Dames for truth claiming Judi Dench isn't a real Dame ("she took out my eye!").

9.22 March Of The Penguins wins Best Documentary. I guess you could say they p-p-picked it up (warning: "joke" only directed at Brits). I would have voted for Murderball ("we don't want a fucking hug, we want a Gold medal!") and it's unbelievable that Werner Herzog's Grizzly Man didn't get a nomination as it's such a fascinating piece of work. And I like the name Werner.

9.28 Advert alert! Goldfrapp's Ooh La La has been used in the new Diet Coke spot. And she's on the front of this week's Time Out. I take it she's had a decent year then?

9.45 Hot and Cold.

Hot: Selma Hayek.

Cold: Selma introducing a violin virtuoso playing bits from the 5 nominated films for Best Score.

10.00 Proof that Jessica Alba is the hottest (er, okay, second hottest) woman on the planet - she's the only person who has screwed up the auto cue tonight! She might not be able to read but when you look like that it matters little. I like the way she clapped loads for King Kong winning Best Sound. You just know that was her favourite film of 2005 (after Fantastic Four, natch).

10.25 The best 15 minutes of the night. Robert Altman wins an Honorary Oscar (which now just leaves Martin Scorcese) and makes a late comment about a heart transplant that might be sending everyone scurrying to the internet to look up if it's breaking news or not. Three 6 Mafia then perform It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp which, admittedly, is staged via the mind of what a middle class person thinks rap should be about (strobe lights! Scantily clad "hoe's"!). Queen Latifah (note: quite possibly not a real Queen) strolls on to give out Best Original Song which, somehow, goes to Three 6 Mafia. Their acceptance speech is classic as no one can make out a word, save for Jesus (how apt if you believe that Jesus does indeed save). Jon Stewart notes that it's just become easier for a pimp before wondering aloud why they're the most thrilled winners of the night. Jack Nicholson claps his approval because he's going straight onto itunes to download the Hustle & Flow soundtrack. What's that? It's not on itunes you say. Shame on you Apple (bet that'll change by tomorrow morning). And Jennifer Garner has just stumbled onto the stage as the night takes a sudden turn for the better. What's more, we're massively over running so it's a late bedtime for us all.

10.40 Go South Africa as Tsosti wins Best Foreign Film. Of course, the big shame of the night is that the incredible and Best Film of 2005, Cache (Hidden), wasn't nominated due to Academy rules. But its quality will still shine through - The Observer carried a piece today saying it would be remembered 50 years from now. And it will.

10.42 This just in from Jon Stewart if you're keeping score at home: Martin Scorcese, 0 Oscars, Three Six Mafia, 1. Do you not want to be invited back or something?

10.46 Hillary Swank hands out Best Actor to odds on favourite Philip Seymour Hoffman, who wins after an much overdue first nomination. "I'm overwhelmed", he says and you tend to believe him. And he quotes a Van Morrison song to boot before referencing March Madness college basketball. But not a woof is heard, contrary to the promise he made as a teenager. If every dog has his day, then this is his.

11.00 Rock biopics live on as last year's Best Actor Jamie Foxx gives Best Actress to Reese Witherspoon. Her speech is so prepared ("I'm just trying to matter", she gushes) that it kind of takes the fun out of it. But what a modern mother: she tells the world how much she loves her children before telling them to go to bed.

11.20 Tom Hanks rushed on to award Best Director. Does he need the bathroom, want to get back to his seat or is he taking his own advice about not taking too long? And for anyone who TiVo'd tonight, can you check what words come out of his mouth when he comes on stage. I think he might have taken a leaf out of Three Six Mafia's (song) book. Unsurprisingly, Ang Lee wins and is as gracious as ever. We'll even overlook the "I don't know how to quit you" line he utters whilst looking at Oscar. I'm sure it's hilarious in Taiwanese.

11.25 It brings me no joy to find out I've got all six major awards correct. This is for two reasons: 1. I need to start placing accumulator bets on the Oscars (my friend Josh has just phoned me from London to tell me that he read my article and placed 4 such bets which have all come in to the tune of just over four thousand pounds!!! But he assures me I have a good birthday present coming my way!) and 2. Crash wouldn't have been my choice for Best Picture. I trust the thorny issue of producer Bob Yari will crop up in all the post Oscar interviews (if you haven't followed the story, it looks like he's being denied an Oscar despite his producing role). Incidentally, Yari has just produced the incredible Dave Chappelle's Block Party which achieves more understanding and awareness than Crash will ever do and does it with far more grace and style.

11.30 The near 7 hour marathon is over. The night was predictable but at least Jon Stewart eased into his role as the evening wore on. Rather ironic that his opening few minutes were his weakest as it was felt he would excel at that. He's definitely worth another shot though wouldn't it be better if he could use roving reporters Stephen Colbert, Ed Helms, Rob Cordry et al? Only then might we get some real moments of zen...