The Dailies Show

78 years in the waiting and finally it's here: a live blog on tonight's Oscars. The tuxedo is on - the East Village locals haven't seen anything as shocking on a Sunday since that time cricket was played in Tompkins Square Park - and the snacks have been bought. Funnily enough, one of only two high profile Oscar parties here in NYC, is taking place at hip British restaurant The Spotted Pig. My predictions: 4 bouts of food poisoning, anger that the Shepherds Pie being served doesn't have anything to do with Brokeback Mountain, Liev Schreiber moaning that Everything Is Illuminated didn't get any Oscar love and Julia Stiles looking for me and the Mrs. Seriously, we see her everywhere. I turned down my invite to update this as and when the moment takes me...well, the invite didn't technically arrive but ever since we failed to tip our postman at Christmas, I still think he's hoarding all the good mail.

4.55 E's coverage has been sporadically on (jostling for space against Manchester City vs Sunderland - tell me any other blog able to claim that!) but they've just run a piece on - yes! - a pair of gay cowboys and their thoughts on Muni...er, Brokeback Mountain. I'm not sure if these cowboys are in a relationship or just happen to be gay cowboys looking for love. Amazingly, they liked the movie but admitted slight dismay at Ang Lee's mise en scene. Perhaps.

5.05 Just under 30 minutes to the official start of the Red Carpet coverage. I don't know how E manage to fill all the air time as they've been on since midday with a pre-Red Carpet show. A profile on handbag makers probably would have provided similar gravitas to a State Of The Union address but I was watched the Mets playing Puerto Rico down in Florida (they lost).

5.50 Ryan Seacrest is hosting the Red Carpet show. "Let's discuss designers". Click.

6.10 A bemused Naomi Watts is handed the King Kong DVD by Seacrest. "I've seen it", she reasonably retorts before extolling the virtues of the Hybrid Lexus. That's H-Y-B-R-I-D.

6.20 Early contender for comment of the night. An US Weekly reporter on how Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman get along with each other: "it's pretty cordial but it's not very friendly". Seacrest's expression was exactly like Tim from The Office when Brent or Gareth do something inane.

6.45 Early contender for moment of the night. Roger Ebert (whose Red Carpet show is now live on ABC) has just asked the producer of Crash a question. Only problem? The guy is the producer of Good Night And Good Luck. "You've just crashed" he helpfully tells Ebert before reiterating the title. Two thumbs most definitely down.

6.52 The gaffes continue. Steve Carrell mumbles his words before asking how many people this is going out to. "7 billion" is the outright lie. Yeah, let's see: 280 million people live in America and maybe 20 million are watching this. Unless you know differently and suddenly ABC is part of each country's terrestrial output.

7.00 No Oscar night is complete without Joan and Melissa Rivers right? Maybe. They're supposedly on Channel 51, the renowned TV Guide station. Sadly for mother/daughter combo, that channel is blacked out at the moment. Cry Me A Rivers, anyone?

7.44 It's been said that David Strathairn hasn't received enough credit or attention for his Best Actor nomination in Good Night And Good Luck. ABC's Billy Bush has just interviewed him and the ENTIRE Q & A was about the kind of cigarettes he smoked on set. Herbal and he doesn't light up anymore if you're interested.

8.15 The show gets underway with a nifty sequence showing previous hosts - and Mel Gibson speaking in Maya - all turning down the gig. Jon Stewart takes it on and proceeds to give a monologue which is far too much on the safe side. For every gag - Bjork couldn't be here as when she was trying on her dress, Dick Cheney shot her - there's an admission that he ain't Hollywood: Steven Spielberg has been nominated, I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you. But props for saying as a Jew, he can't wait to see what happens next to us after watching Spielberg's Schindler's List and now Munich. But the montage of old cowboys films was far too obvious and is being done better on the internet as a previous post of mine makes clear.

8.20 George Clooney - as predicted by yours truly - wins Best Supporting Actor for the woeful Syriana. His prepared speech ("I won't be winning Best Director then") smacks of smugness but then he credits Hollywood for taking an early stand against racism. Really? Is this fact?

8.32 The first of maybe two British wins as Nick Park takes home his fourth Oscar for Wallace & Gromit. Both he and his colleague are wearing Paul Smith bow tie's and pop a couple more on Oscar. Considering that Paul Smith has just opened his first store in LA, some serious thanks are in order. Upon winning, Park kissed Helena Bonham Carter and patted her husband briefly on the back. Her husband? Rival director Tim Burton who lost out in this category. Nice work Nick.

8.44 An Irishman wins! No one has ever heard of him! By the way, the music they're playing underneath the winners is sooo sickly it makes you want to throw up. It's similar to a "dramatic" denouement in a soap opera when one character says "it's not you, it's me" to another. But worse. And being heard by - ahem - 7 billion people.

9.00 A fairly funny skit from Steve Carrell and Will Ferrell wearing too much make up before they get into the award. But it says something about the first hour of this show that the best unscripted gag comes from the unknown winner whose first words are something like "I'm glad Clooney doesn't do make up". Jon Stewart gets a titter when exclaiming surprise that Cinderella Man didn't win. "Can you imagine how difficult it is to make Russell Crowe look like he just got into a fight?" Nicole Kidman doesn't look amused making her the Queen Victoria (State?) of the Oscars.

9.05 Not sure why Morgan Freeman laughs before announcing that Rachel Weisz has won Best Supporting Actress. What does he know? And more to the point, who really is the father of her soon to be born child? She sounds so Hampstead up on that stage and does come over as humbled. Going into the break and the camera shows Clooney cracking up. He is also in the (made up by me) Weisz pregnancy scandal? Oh, and my apologies as Britain has won 3 Oscars as Six Shooter (yeah, me neither) notched for Best Live Action Short. It's clearly our night now.

9.15 The first of hopefully a few Daily Show moments as they mock up how all the Best Actress nominees have been campaigning. The funniest was Charlize Theron "hagging it up" and the Dames for truth claiming Judi Dench isn't a real Dame ("she took out my eye!").

9.22 March Of The Penguins wins Best Documentary. I guess you could say they p-p-picked it up (warning: "joke" only directed at Brits). I would have voted for Murderball ("we don't want a fucking hug, we want a Gold medal!") and it's unbelievable that Werner Herzog's Grizzly Man didn't get a nomination as it's such a fascinating piece of work. And I like the name Werner.

9.28 Advert alert! Goldfrapp's Ooh La La has been used in the new Diet Coke spot. And she's on the front of this week's Time Out. I take it she's had a decent year then?

9.45 Hot and Cold.

Hot: Selma Hayek.

Cold: Selma introducing a violin virtuoso playing bits from the 5 nominated films for Best Score.

10.00 Proof that Jessica Alba is the hottest (er, okay, second hottest) woman on the planet - she's the only person who has screwed up the auto cue tonight! She might not be able to read but when you look like that it matters little. I like the way she clapped loads for King Kong winning Best Sound. You just know that was her favourite film of 2005 (after Fantastic Four, natch).

10.25 The best 15 minutes of the night. Robert Altman wins an Honorary Oscar (which now just leaves Martin Scorcese) and makes a late comment about a heart transplant that might be sending everyone scurrying to the internet to look up if it's breaking news or not. Three 6 Mafia then perform It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp which, admittedly, is staged via the mind of what a middle class person thinks rap should be about (strobe lights! Scantily clad "hoe's"!). Queen Latifah (note: quite possibly not a real Queen) strolls on to give out Best Original Song which, somehow, goes to Three 6 Mafia. Their acceptance speech is classic as no one can make out a word, save for Jesus (how apt if you believe that Jesus does indeed save). Jon Stewart notes that it's just become easier for a pimp before wondering aloud why they're the most thrilled winners of the night. Jack Nicholson claps his approval because he's going straight onto itunes to download the Hustle & Flow soundtrack. What's that? It's not on itunes you say. Shame on you Apple (bet that'll change by tomorrow morning). And Jennifer Garner has just stumbled onto the stage as the night takes a sudden turn for the better. What's more, we're massively over running so it's a late bedtime for us all.

10.40 Go South Africa as Tsosti wins Best Foreign Film. Of course, the big shame of the night is that the incredible and Best Film of 2005, Cache (Hidden), wasn't nominated due to Academy rules. But its quality will still shine through - The Observer carried a piece today saying it would be remembered 50 years from now. And it will.

10.42 This just in from Jon Stewart if you're keeping score at home: Martin Scorcese, 0 Oscars, Three Six Mafia, 1. Do you not want to be invited back or something?

10.46 Hillary Swank hands out Best Actor to odds on favourite Philip Seymour Hoffman, who wins after an much overdue first nomination. "I'm overwhelmed", he says and you tend to believe him. And he quotes a Van Morrison song to boot before referencing March Madness college basketball. But not a woof is heard, contrary to the promise he made as a teenager. If every dog has his day, then this is his.

11.00 Rock biopics live on as last year's Best Actor Jamie Foxx gives Best Actress to Reese Witherspoon. Her speech is so prepared ("I'm just trying to matter", she gushes) that it kind of takes the fun out of it. But what a modern mother: she tells the world how much she loves her children before telling them to go to bed.

11.20 Tom Hanks rushed on to award Best Director. Does he need the bathroom, want to get back to his seat or is he taking his own advice about not taking too long? And for anyone who TiVo'd tonight, can you check what words come out of his mouth when he comes on stage. I think he might have taken a leaf out of Three Six Mafia's (song) book. Unsurprisingly, Ang Lee wins and is as gracious as ever. We'll even overlook the "I don't know how to quit you" line he utters whilst looking at Oscar. I'm sure it's hilarious in Taiwanese.

11.25 It brings me no joy to find out I've got all six major awards correct. This is for two reasons: 1. I need to start placing accumulator bets on the Oscars (my friend Josh has just phoned me from London to tell me that he read my article and placed 4 such bets which have all come in to the tune of just over four thousand pounds!!! But he assures me I have a good birthday present coming my way!) and 2. Crash wouldn't have been my choice for Best Picture. I trust the thorny issue of producer Bob Yari will crop up in all the post Oscar interviews (if you haven't followed the story, it looks like he's being denied an Oscar despite his producing role). Incidentally, Yari has just produced the incredible Dave Chappelle's Block Party which achieves more understanding and awareness than Crash will ever do and does it with far more grace and style.

11.30 The near 7 hour marathon is over. The night was predictable but at least Jon Stewart eased into his role as the evening wore on. Rather ironic that his opening few minutes were his weakest as it was felt he would excel at that. He's definitely worth another shot though wouldn't it be better if he could use roving reporters Stephen Colbert, Ed Helms, Rob Cordry et al? Only then might we get some real moments of zen...