(I'm) Oscar The Grouch

What exactly are we meant to make of this morning's Oscar nominations? What does it say about culture in early 2006? What does it represent for the Academy? And how should you, the all important viewer, feel about it? These questions, and many more, will not be properly addressed over the course of this post...

Someone who clearly carries some clout in Hollywood announced the nominations - and Mira Sorvino was there too - and I must give credit where it's due. It was my first nominations day and I fully expected a song and dance routine, a plethora of models or at least a roar from King Kong/Andy Serkis but they just got on with it. I guess that seeing as it was 5.30 in the morning over on the West Coast, they couldn't drum up the enthusiasm and, anyway, what good is a power breakfast if it doesn't start at 6.00am?

More predictable were the nominations themselves. Yet again the Academy has outdone itself by seemingly rewarding the films that its members believe to have some sort of merit and haven't actually bothered with the best films of the year. It doesn't annoy me in the slightest that Brokeback Mountain leads the way with eight nominations. I haven't even seen Ang Lee's almost certainly well crafted film and, you know, the business of these two cowboys is theirs alone. I just want no part of it (though I fully encourage the use of 'brokeback' into the popular lexicon. 'Where are John and Jack?' 'Oh, they've gone brokeback bowling'). There are far worse offenders I'm afraid...

CRASH, BANG, WHASSUP?

I saw Crash on its opening weekend way back in May and left the theatre distinctly unmoved. Actually, that's not entirely true: I can't remember seeing a film so pleased with itself as this one. It might as well have screamed "WE'RE RAISING SOME REALLY IMPORTANT ISSUES HERE YOU HEATHENS! CAN'T YOU GRASP WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO DO?". When all's said and done, Crash comes down to four 'ooh' and 'aah' moments: Sandra Bullock is scared to say that two African-Americans are going to car jack her and her husband (ooh). They do (aah). Matt Dillon plays a horrible cop who is particularly nasty to Thandie Newton (ooh). But not at the very end (aah). To those who raved about the interlocking storyline and coincidences, you should know that Crash is simply an inferior version of any Seinfeld episode. Just without the laughter and guitar. Paul Haggis is truly the emperor with another new batch of clothes - he penned the insufferable Million Dollar Baby where you ended up envying Hillary Swank's situation. Next up for Haggis is his chance to put the final nail in the James Bond coffin with his re-write of Casino Royale. But the depressing thing is that Crash will be the surprise winner on Oscar night and this is why: the majority of the people who vote are actors and this was a real actor's film because it's an ensemble cast with no headlining star. And that alone made for a poster where no egos were in the least bit bruised. Trust me, it'll do well on the night but it wasn't even the best film of 2005 with the word 'Crash' in the title...some small consolation for Wedding Crashers.

GEORGE SWOONEY

It's official. Oscar is in love with George. He has two nominations, which is the same amount as my favourite two films of 2005 put together! I haven't seen Goodnight, and Good Luck so can't comment on his directing but was unimpressed by him in Syriana. Is it really as simple as putting on weight for a role literally lends gravitas to your performance? For me, his one great part was in his breakout film, the painfully cool Out Of Sight (what about Batman and Robin, I hear you cry). At least he'll walk away empty handed on the night. Probably.

BUT WHAT ABOUT?..

Why oh why does the Academy ignore great movies to the extent where they're now mocking modern cinema? Thank goodness Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon's amazing performances in Walk The Line are recognised...and yet not a sniff in Best picture or director. The Squid and the Whale gets one solitary nod in Best original screenplay and there's only two for A History Of Violence, easily the best English language film of the year. At least the omens are in its favour to walk away with one Oscar: for me, the two greatest American films of the decade - Almost Famous and Lost In Translation - won for their screenplays and so should this. Shame on the Academy, however, for their shady rules over what constitutes a foreign language film, which must be the reason the incredible Caché misses out. You may not know this (I only learnt about it a few weeks ago) but the film must be in the same language as the director. And so because Michael Haneke is Austrian and the movie is in French, Caché will now go down as the great undiscovered film de nos jours. Hidden indeed. Of course, Caché should have been in the running for Best picture but, frankly, there was more chance of me hosting the Oscars than that happening.

THE BRITS ARE COMING?

A reasonable showing for British representation on the night. Was it me or was there audible laughter upon Keira Knightley's nomination for Pride and Prejudice? The Punch and Judi show carries on unabated with our Dame's nod for Mrs. Henderson Presents. A shame that the radiant Rachel Weisz couldn't get a grown up nomination for Best actress in The Constant Gardener. I mean, the film's only about her. Nick Park, meanwhile, is a lock for Best animated film with Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit. I'm seeing that and Capote on my flights to and from the UK next week, which will be like my own personal Oscar viewing night (if personal means sharing space with a few hundred others). I love the fact that Hollywood head honcho (bless you) Jeffrey Katzenberg flew to Bristol last year to see Park (believe it or not, they had to extend the runway for his arrival) and made suggestions to change his movie. Park made him a cup of tea, took his comments on board and didn't alter a single frame! And shouldn't that be our two countries relationship? You fly in, we host you and listen politely. We don't change our opinion and are ultimately proved right. It's like Hugh Grant and Billy Bob Thornton in Love Actually...just slightly more profound.

The credits are about to roll on this post so check back in a few weeks to read my 'Who should win/Who will win' article and - if I can be bothered on March 5th - a live and updated blog about the ceremony as it happens. To everyone involved over the next few weeks then: Goodnight, and Good Luck.