Seriously Thin Ice

Memo: To Dick Ebersol, Chairman, NBC Sports

Dear Dick

So sorry to read you're getting trounced in the ratings. Personally, I can't understand why viewers are shying away from the world's finest Olympians sliding around a track on a tea tray. I'm sure Jesse Owens isn't turning in his grave - some slight shifting perhaps but nothing more. And let's be honest: there's no shame in losing out to American Idol. You've got uncomfortable outbursts (but enough about Bob Costas), a panel of judges (isn't it a bitch that the scoring system got changed?) and seemingly a plethora of long haired winners who hope to finally attract attention from the public (thanks, Flying Tomato).

But help might be at hand. Last night, I witnessed a development so stunning that it could revolutionize the rest of these XX Winter Olympics. You'd love it - for starters, it features that all important demographic, the 18-34 heterosexual male. I can almost smell your excitement from here. So there I was, enjoying a drink at a sports bar when the ice skating came on. I know what you're thinking, I got the check and the hell out of dodge. But no. And whilst the activities onscreen were of no interest whatsoever, I couldn't help but notice how all the men at the bar - don't forget, single men who were drinking away their disposable incomes to pick up women - suddenly started to take bets amongst each other as to whether the current competitor would finish his routine without falling on his behind. The business of Gold, Silver, Bronze, I'd rather not talk about it, if it's all the same, because my 19th placed finish doesn't make four years of training look that clever, was not their concern but, rather, if these fine gentlemen of the ice could maintain their dignity. And these weren't mere dollar bills being exchanged but sums as high as $20 and even $50. So get your skates on and rush - or at least gracefully glide - down to this bar with a camera, like, tout suite (as they don't say in Torino) and bring the hilarious betting tales of Alpha Male vs Ubersexual Jock to the nation's living rooms. My $20 says Fox, CBS and ABC don't have a prayer. Hell, Dick, these are the real American Idols.

Seacrest Out.